(beeping) – Hi, I’m Roger, and I’m here to tell you about the National Pointsball League. It’s a company I made that
stages live boy games. It’s also a giant public slaughterhouse fueled by human lives. Pointsball is the world’s
favorite sport in just America. It’s played by people of
all ages and one gender. And when pointsball was invented
over a hundred years ago it was almost outlawed for
killing too many of its players. – I thought it was too dangerous
and I’m Teddy Roosevelt. (gun blasting) – But we overcame that death issue by changing pointsball so that it kills lots more players more slowly. Now they die of brain trauma and overworked hearts off camera. That revolutionary change let us build the National Pointsball League, the most powerful entertainment
brand in human history. We control most Sundays,
lots of other days, and almost every conversation
in an American workplace. All we ask in return is
a little of your money to buy tickets or shirts or whatever, and then we seize literally
billions of dollars of your tax money to build stadiums. Stadiums I could pay for
myself but I would rather not. – I would do something about
that system but I’m dead. – Ah, you sure are! Anyway, my pointsball league
is a business in a sense that all criminal
enterprises are businesses, and unlike most criminal enterprises where they have to be subtle about it, my league does it’s criming
on national television. Just because you’ll do
anything to see this. (ball smacking) (laughs) Yup. Because we provide that we
can make American colleges train our future players on their dime. We can run a breast cancer
charity that’s really a trick to sell hats to ladies. We can make one of our teams
name straight up hate speech. – Go (bleep)! – And you would not believe
how little we pay her or how cool we are with
fellas sexually harassing her. – Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me an L! Give me a P! – Anyway, I don’t wanna take
up too much more of your time, because I don’t need to. You already give me more money
than God via the government so you can watch adult
men break each other. Adult men who have moms and stuff. But don’t think about that too hard. Instead think about how
goddamn great it’s gonna be when my league’s franchise
that’s geographically nearest to you goes out there and wins specific key pointsball boy games in a fashion that I’ve
decided makes them champion, whatever that means, for America! (sighs) Hey! There was supposed to be a
military jet flyover right then. The flyover we made the military pay us extra tax dollars for. Is that still happening? Is that? (engine roaring) War. I’m Roger, by the way. – Man-made iron birds? Bully! (acoustic guitar music) – Thanks for watching. If you’d to subscribe to our channel hit the big C in the middle. Feel free to click the links to the right if you want to watch
another Cracked video, and don’t forget to hit
that notification bell at the bottom to be notified when we put out another great Cracked video! – And you can follow me
on Twitter @kaleethan. – And me @amyehustler. – And I’m Brian. (laughing)