So this whole video kind of began- It was Steven’s brainchild. My best friend Steven Suptic, we text every day, And he was saying to me that he really wanted to play volleyball and like take off his shirt and shorts with me. (Steven, mockingly) Hey, Daddy, it’s me, Steven. What time’s good for volleyball? He loves the beach almost as much as homeless people do so he thought it’d be funny, in a millenial way, to get us all out to the beach and have a game together. The problem was, he didn’t know where the beach actually was located. Is this working? (siren noise) There’s one thing I know about Steven Suptic. He’s a fantastic producer. He knows exactly what he’s doing at all times, completely organized, So I knew it was going to be a great day of volleyball. Steven: Uh-
(siren noise) Sorry Cool welcome to the very first Funhaus Vs. Sugar Pine 7 volleyball spectacular Steven: Yo, Funhaus’ team, do you guys have a team name? Stop trying to hit my nut- What’s your team name? Funhaus Everything was going well until Steven drew the eye of the police, also known as security. Steven: Can we take family photos? No family photos? There’s a good chance that the security guards that came by were hired by Steven to make his video production seem a bit higher as he raises the stakes in every single one of his terrible, terrible videos. All I know about Steven is that he doesn’t really like coming to our office but he comes here every week, and whenever he does, he parks in my spot. I do; we’re good friends. We’ve been good friends for a long time. We click, we gel. Steven: What is this trying to get out of us? Lawrence: I don’t know, maybe you have to play the fucking video game! Man, it’s just when two geniuses get next to each other, it’s just fanning the flames, you know? It’s just a fever pitch of good ideas and positivity. Lawrence: Well, this is all about Steven, so fuck it, Steven! And that’s what I really enjoy, about-about being around Steven, he’s a great- he’s great. After a meeting of the minds we decided to drive five minutes down to the beach I don’t know if you have ever played volleyball with anybody that looks like little-little chickens? But it’s fun! Adam: Serving! Playing volleyball against Steven and his little, like, baby friends? It’s different. It’s kind of a different headspace you gotta get yourself in. James: Guess who got his fourth win!?
Parker, stop it! Parker! Parker, stop! Steven: Uhh, is that in conisal codal? That area? Adam: Due east! That’s west. There’s something about the beach that helps me find a little thing I like to call religion. Oh, he’s doing the mosk thing again. God damn it. I got into a pretty big argument with Steven during the volleyball game because he said, yes, he wanted to push that Dakota pipeline through. Steven: You wanna start that? Are you goddamn kidding me!? Elyse: Are we gonna start this!? (unintelligible yelling) Steven: Are you fucking kidding me? I will eat my own ass! I will eat my own ass! He was just really for it. He really wants that pipeline to get made. It didn’t surprise me that Steven’s team kept changing the score, because they can’t count very well. Steven: 84
James: 84 to 4? Steven: What is it? 14 serving nothing? And we didn’t seem to count very well either, and, uh, I support that. Steven: Yeah, right, they’re small. Get outta here. That’s an ace! Cib: You’re not even- you’re not trying? Steven: Do you wanna just leave him here?
Steven: Okay. (whooping/yelling) James: Goofed ’em. Steven: This fucking game sucks. The volleyball game ended in a way I don’t think anyone could have possibly expected. It ended. Steven: I’ll hold you back, I’ll hold you back. (to James) Fuck you, dude. James: Who’re you holding back? Parker: I don’t know what’s happening. I mean, they seem nice though. They seem nice. James: We’re shaking hands Parker: This isn’t- This is just cause I like you. James: You’re the best player on this whole team.
Parker: Thank you! Oh, I like him even more. Steven: You’re gonna say that right in front of me? Going to the beach, expecting to play volleyball, um, that- that’s the kind of thing that makes it really uncomfortable when one of Steven’s buddies, friends, um, indentured servants, whatever they are, um, When one of them walks up to you and just, unprompted, says, “Hey, pull out your penis.” Cib: Let’s both pull em out, but leave em in the boxers. You gotta half it, dude! James: How do I know that’s not a testicle? Cib: Cause it- it’s a dick, goes (wam-wam) I think, when I told him that I wasn’t gonna do that, he kinda understood, um, and then he kind of got distracted playing with himself. Bruce: Can you take him? Steven: No, please- I can’t- are you transferring me? Bruce: He needs to go down. He needs to go down. Elyse: I don’t want him to live with us. It was all in slow motion. Steven’s body hit the sand. He lay down, had this big smile on his face, he went (heheh) And when he went down, I noticed his leg went up, and I looked right down his shorts. And I saw, what could only be described as, like, a, like a sea urchin? Bruce: Ugh, I saw his penis! He’s not wearing underwear! Steven: This is my underwear, Daddy! Elyse: Wait, let me see! Steven: You guys! My dick’s out! Well, it was, but now it’s not. At the end of the day, I’m glad that I played volleyball, or whatever they refer to as volleyball, with those babies because if I’m ever going to be a father someday, I’d want to know how to raise a child. And this is the closest I’ll probably come. Because I fire blanks. Steven: We’ve got the two teams, we got team Funhaus, and we got team Sugar Pine 7. Let’s go Broilers! Steven voiceover: I was surprised at how sportsmanlike everybody was acting. Even Cib acted like a gentleman. Cib: I will… Steven voiceover: Because just like Abe Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Cib can’t talk trash.