Female soccer players in Norway
have always had to fight prejudice. They’ve fought back for years,
but now they finally admit it’s all true. We’re shit. We suck, plain and simple. I tend to pick up the ball with my hands. Suddenly I forget myself and…
“Oh crap. Handball.” The ball is so slippery, it’s hopeless. In free kick situations,
I can’t get the ball to clear the wall. Someone has to pass it towards me. My personal best is 25 kick-ups. With a balloon. I sometimes watch women’s football on TV.
Sooo boring! Ingrid Hjelmseth has almost 100 caps for Norway,
but being a goalie drives her to despair. Goal kicks are a real nightmare to me. I dread the ball going out of bounds.
I can’t get it off the ground. Offside is… Something about not being allowed
to receive the ball behind… The goal is just way too big.
There ought to be two of us. Maybe even three? Yeah. Cathrine Dekkerhus is called
Norway’s hottest female soccer player. It’s actually a problem, she now admits. I used to play for a really good team,
but I had to move on. My teammates fell in love with me.
I panicked, so I had to switch teams. Behind here… No, wait… Lesbians everywhere. It’s teeming with them. If I run first and then receive the ball…
That’s offside, isn’t it? The players have worked in secret
to make the game easier. We gained access to their e-mails to FIFA,
outlining a number of suggested changes. Smaller pitches. That’s what it takes.
We feel like ants running around. Other suggestions include
a smaller, lighter ball… Free throws in stead of free kicks… Gadgets to ease the goalie’s job… And a small peg to make free kicks easier. The peg was my idea, I think. I was inspired by memories of playing
on gravel when I was a kid. I used to make a little mound
to lift the ball off the ground. The peg is a really clever idea. You just
carry it in the waistband of your shorts. FIFA’s response suggests
it’s going to be a long struggle yet. I feel so powerless. Really disappointed. Cathrine Dekkerhus was left out of Norway’s squad
for the 2015 World Cup in Canada. The team management has no comment. -Would you like an apple?
-Yes, please. I’ve got another one.