( upbeat music playing ) – Hey.
– Well, well, well. My guy.
How are you, sir? Nice car, my friend. Thanks.
Put your seatbelt on, Joel. – What?
– Put your seatbelt on. I always put my seatbelt on. I’m making sure
you put your seatbelt on. And I usually
wear a helmet, but… In the car?
You wear a helmet? Yes, you can never
be too safe. First of all,
for everybody watching, this is Joel McHale. – Hi.
– The funny Joel McHale. Thank you.
I’ve had three shows cancelled
in the last two years, guys. Joel, that doesn’t mean
that you’re not funny. It means that the people
just don’t get it. That’s right.
That’s the problem. See that?
That’s it right there. I try and move every day,
and you should, too. Today, we’re gonna
go work out. Yeah, what are we doing? We’re gonna box today. – Uh…
– We are boxing today. You know, I don’t–
I’ve never boxed before. Actually, then that
makes it that much better. It’d be dope if we fought,
if we, like, did a little
sparring match, me and you. How about we play golf? What are you
talking about? No. I’m about
to take Joel McHale and make Joel McHale
an action star today. So what if I told you
that I had one of the best people
coming with us? The best person
to help us out? – I said one of the best.
– One of the best. One of the best.
He flew in just for us. This guy is gonna
teach us to box, right? He’s gonna give us
some pointers. He’s gonna put us
through some drills so we can have
a good workout. Like, so, Clubber Lang? I don’t– okay. Um, Ivan Drago?
He’s one of the best. He was built by
the Soviet Union. All right, yeah,
you’re not even naming real people at this point. Those robots they used
in that Hugh Jackman movie? All right.
Do you wanna come in with me? Uh, I’ll stay here. – You sure?
– Yep. Yep, yep, yep. – I’m gonna get him myself–
– All right, fine. I’m gonna go in there and– – Don’t be stupid, man.
– I’m gonna get a neck pillow. – No, stay in, stay in.
– No, it’s fine. Oh, wait, does he have
checked luggage? That’s why I told you
to stay in the car, Joel. If you’re gonna be an ass,
I would’ve told you
to stay in the car. Anybody wants a picture
of Kevin Hart, you just step right on up.
He’s very excited. Yeah.
You get right in there, guys. Don’t even make a line.
Just start taking photos. I’m picking up my friend.
Just give me a second, guys. – Don’t listen to him.
– Don’t even make a line. Kevin Hart, right here.
Guys, get in there. Just come on.
Just surround Kevin Hart. – Yeah, look at that.
– Thank you, guys. – I really appreciate it.
– Looks like a family reunion. – Thank you, man.
– Come on over. Take a photo. I’m just picking up my friend. You cannot be taller
than him though, all right? – You wanna hold the baby?
– No, I don’t wanna– There it is, yeah. Great.
That’s something she’ll
remember for a long time. Yeah, that’s great.
Thank you for a great pic. – ( cries )
– Thank you, guys. – Great. That’s great.
– Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course. – What’s your name?
– No. Joel. Just step up
and you take a photo. Oh, here we go.
Evander Holyfield, everybody! – How are you, sir?
– I’m good. How are you, man?
Joel McHale, Evander. He’s gonna be with us
today, all right? – Okay.
– Get the bag. Come on, champ.
Bye-bye, guys. Bye-bye. – How was the flight, man?
– Everything’s good. That’s good. The least you could do
is get the door. Yo, let me get
the door for you. Yes. – Joel! Joel!
– What? We got a ( bleep )
ticket, man! You got a ticket? I told you to
stay in the car. It’s not my fault. There’s a lot
of kids around here.
They don’t like cursing. You’re paying this, man. I’m so sorry that Kevin Hart
cursed around you, guys. Kevin:
Tickets piss me off, Joel. $58 in a loading zone. If you had stayed in the car, I wouldn’t have a ticket. Yeah!
Champ, I am ready. I want you to show me
what you can do yourself. Without you helping me. Okay. – Then I add on to it.
– Uh, all right. I’m not a big boxer
so, uh… What’s this called?
A disclaimer. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You got– you got snot
all over your nose. In boxing, there’s snot! I’m not–
I’m not touching his hands. Okay. You can already tell, coach, – like, I’m that guy.
– Oh, okay. You know what I’m saying?
I’ve always been that guy. You look like
you’re avoiding, like, a bee or a fly. – What is that?
– Well, you know… You see what
I’m saying, coach? You’re in, like–
that’s the sequel – to the thriller video.
– You see what I’m saying? How do you get away
from punches? I don’t need to.
Boom, catch it. Pull you forward. Bang. Everybody, rope and… your timing is almost like– when I fight,
I got a rhythm. It ain’t how high you get. It’s in little bitty steps. There you go. Okay. Champ, did your mom
used to whip your ass
with one of these? Mines did. Ah, no! No more! I ain’t
gonna get no more F’s! ( crying ) Flashbacks. Evander, can we do
something else, please? These ropes ain’t good
for my psyche. What we’re gonna do,
we’re gonna hit the bag. Get your balance right
where you can– how much power you can get
by just having your feet – in the proper place.
– Got it. Can you guys lower
this for Kevin? – No, that’s fine.
– This has to be lowered. That’s the thing.
It ain’t the– it ain’t the size of the dog. It’s the bite. – You know what I mean?
– No, not really. Better not say–
better not say “bite”. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Yeah.
– He’s gonna kill you. He’s not gonna kill me.
It’s just trash-talking. Let me show you
how to hit it one time. Let me hold it while
you give it a couple, huh? Okay. Hold on, now.
That’s all you got? Shit. Shit. Okay. Stop it, Dad!
Just love me, Dad! Why didn’t
you love me, Dad? Why didn’t you love me? You don’t like me
because I do comedy, Dad? ( blubbering ) Thank you
for my inner monologue. It got me through
a lot of stuff, Kevin. Kevin, wait, wait, wait.
Let’s try something. Let’s try something. Go ahead. Go ahead. Boxing is not a game. What did you just say? Who are you talking to?
Who are you talking to? It’s me, Kevin,
a bag with no arms or legs. You talking to me? Kevin,
don’t you recognize me? We did a buddy cop movie
two years ago. – That’s your ass, man.
– Loser. You decided to talk anyway. Rocky! Adrian! You say something else, bitch? – A little bit more work.
– Back punch. You are so lucky
Chris Tucker retired. What else we got to do, champ? Now y’all got to
get into the ring. – And spar?
– Yeah, spar. You’re damn right we do,
because I’m feeling it. Hi, I’m Joel McHale. I’m gonna kick Kevin Hart’s
ass in the ring today. – Everybody knows it.
– Let me tell you
something, Joel. – Yes.
– You got hands, and then after that,
you got fists. But if you brought mines up, I suggest you find
your own way to school, because where I’m going,
there ain’t gonna be no books. It’s only gonna be
mats and sneakers. Shit. I’d like to just declare
that we just witnessed the world’s record
for the longest analogy in the history of the Earth,
everyone. Amazing. Kevin Hart just
pulled it off right here. I can’t imagine when
that will ever be broken. I don’t know
if anybody here has edu.net, but that’s where Joel’s
next movie is premiering. It’s an educational film on
how to watch Kevin Hart movies without falling asleep
and hitting your head on the seat
in front of you. All right!
That’s enough of this shit! Enough of it!
Let’s just fight! Evander, can we just
get to the fight?
God damn it! – If I could just say
a few more things.
– No, Joel! Did we really need
a “Ride Along 2,” everyone? I will finally
stop this man… – Jesus Christ.
– …from making
“Ride Along 3.” – Enough, Joel.
– “Think Like A Man, Too.” – Did you want that? No.
– Okay. You know who did?
One person, Kevin Hart. And he got it.
And we suffered as a country. I will put that right
in the ring right now! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
around the world, welcome to
“It’s No Laughing Matter!” And in this corner, standing six-foot
four inches tall, two hundred
and fifteen pounds… Yeah. Joel “Banana Hammock” McHale! All right. – Hi.
– How you doing? – Joel.
– Joel. And in this corner, weighing one hundred
and forty pounds, standing allegedly five-foot
four inches tall… I had my hood down.
I couldn’t see. Kevin “The Hitman” Hart! Put the ring down, girl. You see I got
to get in there? Do the thing. I don’t know why you acting
like you ain’t seen me – walking up in here.
– Come on in. Shit. Get off me, Joel.
Get off of me. It’s my intro. Oh! Reveal. Reveal. Bow, dougie,
pop, pop, pop. Hey, hey, hey, hey. – I’m ready.
– In this corner, Gary Coleman making
a comeback from the dead. This is ridiculous. I don’t support
the objectification
of women in boxing. Aw, yeah. ♪ Go, here we go ♪ ♪ Go, here we go ♪ I don’t need headgear. Gentlemen,
center of the ring. Wait, now I look like
an idiot in my headgear. No, you don’t.
You look great.
Come on, man. Evander, who looks cooler,
with or without the headgear? – You look great, both.
– Both look great. All right.
What was that? Showtime!
Let’s rumble. Go! Wait. Ref, before we start, please, don’t hit me
on this side of my face. Well, don’t hit me
in the face at all. That’s why I’m wearing this. I just bleached all my teeth,
so I don’t– All of them? Yeah. I bleached–
even the back ones. Because you can’t tell
if you don’t. – It looks good. No, no.
– So don’t hit my– Anywhere near here. All right,
I’m not gonna ( bleep )
with your teeth. Are you ready? Come on. Box! Wait, last thing.
I swear to God. I dislocated this shoulder
when I was seven. – I will stay away–
– Stay away from this. I got to shoot a movie
in a month. – Okay.
– So don’t ( bleep ) me up. Uh, I just waxed
all my genital area. So I’m a little
sensitive right here. – Okay.
– So just avoid– Stay away from there. Because I have a lot
of ingrown hairs and stuff. Let’s have a good
( bleep ) fight. I won’t hit you here.
Don’t hit me there. Let’s go. Go, Hitman. All right,
give him what he wanted. ♪ Now or never ♪ What are you guys doing? How long are the rounds? Yeah, how long are these? Is that
the first round or no? – Slipped, slipped.
– Come on, man. Break, break! Ah. No, Mom! No, Mom. No, Mom!
Call the time, Evander! Nah. Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow. – Go down, man.
– Ow, ow, ow. Why don’t you fight
like real men? Just go down. Now, stop!
Go down! – Go down, man!
– Okay, okay, okay. Ref: One!
Back into your corner. Two, three, four, five. Wait, he up? – What the ( bleep )?
– Leave your gloves on. I’m just taking
a quick break. Oh, God. ( “Waltz Of The Snowflakes”
playing ) – Hey, come on!
– Water? That’s cheating. Ow, ow! – Come on.
– Ow, ow, ow. That’s it!
That’s it, Joel! God damn it’s cold! ( music continues ) Ref: Disqualified!
Everyone’s disqualified. – Water disqualification?
– Evander: It’s over. Y’all guys are disqualified. – Touch gloves.
– That’s great. – Good shit, man.
– You did great. Your skin looks amazing
when it’s wet. Thank you, ref.
You called a good fight. – Whew!
– You can have this. Evander,
thank you for everything. If you want,
I can treat you to Cinnabon. – Oh!
– You want a Cinnabon? – Do you like Cinnabon?
– You like Cinnabon? – Nah.
– Come on. If you wanna watch
more of me, Kevin Hart, click the videos.
And why not subscribe to my comedy channel,
Laugh Out Loud? Click the logo.
It’s free. Get clicking.